[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️