Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
🤣🤣
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”