My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.