Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”