[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
finally found a reasonable question
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh