For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*