If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Webb. James Webb.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.