GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine