I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
very niche meme I made
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Still a very good boi….