I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia