CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*