we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”