yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!