Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Ironic
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours