The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Brilliant!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp