WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!