Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Autocorrect is my menesis
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one