Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
accurate
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.