In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
brian had himself a morning…
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You sure about that?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god