People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home