My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Meme Monday.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
i smell a pulitzer
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover