Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed