I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.