I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.