evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Wikigenius
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees