Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
is it earth
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The glockness monster
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Mmmm canned fish.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies