Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
he was correct
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.