[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
You Might Also Like
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
😬
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.