the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
when revenge coincides with naptime
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this