Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.