I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.