For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”