Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
scared to check what name she chose
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
couldn’t resist
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding