My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
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Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Always.
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
*weighs self after shaving
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.