if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register