me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.