Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
This is a true ally.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.