I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I missed you with all my darts
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.