If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Seems a bit forward
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.