If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You are not alone 💚
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!