can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I have no passwords left in me
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
u spoke cat all this time??????
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk