You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.