Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Had to try this trend 😊
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Rooting for the overdog