If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Meth is short for Elizameth.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running