*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
guys i’ve cracked the code
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
#Caturday
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly