observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.