I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!