“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The French cow says MEUX…
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.