Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.