A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
These aliens are taking forever.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants